Sometimes running away from unpleasant things only gets you further into the gutter. Or at least that’s how I felt after switching from repetitious producing to Valkyrie Drive: Bhikkhuni. It’s a game where big-breasted teenage girls are infected by a mysterious virus that turns some into powerful valkyries and others into weapons wielded by them and…
Oh, hell no…. No… I just can’t.
I refuse to spend even a single minute outlining a background story that would make even the shittiest of camp seem like an Oscar worthy script. Valkyrie Drive is nothing more than an incredibly rapid third person beat ’em up starring anime girls with gargantuan tits the size of their heads. Anything after that is pretty much downhill all the way.
If you’ve ever witnessed popular games in Japanese arcades, they often seem to be about lean mechas darting all over 3D battle arenas with breathtaking speed, unleashing devastating special attacks upon each other. Valkyrie Drive is something like that, only with buxom girls. One button is used for a light attack, another for a heavy one, third launches the enemy into air, and carefully timed bursts of the fourth is good for either scooting from one target to another, or juggling a hapless airborne adversary for so long that they can be pummeled with a 999 hit combo. The action is relentless and should the player lose focus, they soon find themselves on the opposing end of equally ruthless punishment.
I usually give any game a fair chance to sell itself but in this case, the lackluster story is a lost cause from the get-go. After just half an hour, I’ve skipped every cutscene, if only to save myself from second-hand embarrassment, and after a couple of hours I’m getting quite worried that I’m now in a quagmire of two weak-ish games badly overestimating their prowess. All that comes from the Land of the Rising Sun certainly isn’t good by default. I will keep pushing on under the gallant banner of Seeing Things Through, but it’s times like these that even an all-out average game from start to finish would feel welcome.